You'll Be Mine Chapter 5 - Conflicting Desires
***We still own nothing!
Edward stormed out of the house slamming the door behind him. His frustration was bubbling over, and it might have been funny if Carlisle wasn’t so upset.
“Guess I pissed him off, huh?” I said.
“Maybe you should work on that,” he started up the steps. “Shall we?”
“Carlisle, it’s really not necessary.” I told him trying to find a way out of this conversation. “I think…”
He put his hand up to cut me off. “I’m not really requesting your presence.” I could feel that he wasn’t kidding.
I followed up the steps and into the study. He sat at his desk and I sat on the couch across from him. I didn’t want to be there, but Carlisle wasn’t giving me a choice. As much as I had changed over the past few months I still had an unexplained respect for him.
“Jasper,” he sighed. “It’s good to see you. I’m glad you decided to come back to us.”
“Thanks Carlisle, but to be honest I’m not exactly sure why I have returned.”
“Hmm…, well your eyes seem to be returning to their normal golden color.”
“I promised Bella that I wouldn’t feed from humans while I was in Forks.”
“So, are you saying that you are just passing through?”
“I don’t know.” And, I really didn’t. I hated being so confused and I didn’t like the cause of my confusion.
“Is Edward right?” he asked. “Are you here for Bella?” I felt the despair in his voice because he knew that if I was here for her his perfect little family would be in trouble.
“Don’t listen to Edward’s ramblings. He’s paranoid.”
“If you say so I will accept that.” He said, but I knew he didn’t believe me. “Why don’t we talk about you and what you have been up to these past few months?”
I chuckled. “You don’t want to know.”
“Yes, I would.” He wasn’t going to give this up.
“Carlisle, you know that I’ve been living in Texas with Peter and Charlotte, and I have not been following your recommended diet.”
“I see, and why is that do you suppose?”
“Come on, you’re not a psychiatrist.”
“I attacked Bella and Alice gave up on me, so really what did I have to lose?” I was getting mad.
“Jasper, you had all of us. We would have stood by you.”
“No, you would’ve stood by Edward and Bella. I screwed up big time and it was time for me to accept what I really was. I’m a predator, a vampire who feeds off of humans. I was never meant to live your life.”
“I don’t believe that. You just told me you were in the car alone with Bella. Obviously she trusts you and sees the redeeming quality within you.”
Yes, and that was fucking disturbing in itself. Why would she of all people trust me? “You know Bella, always so forgiving.”
“Jasper, I’d really like you to stay with us.” He smiled and I felt his sincerity. “I have to go back to the university in a few days, but I was thinking that you could come with me. Esme would love to see you.”
Leave Bella? No, I couldn’t do that. I had to see how far I could take this. I needed to see how far she would let me take this. “Carlisle, I just got settled here and I know that Edward and Bella aren’t planning on joining you until she graduates, so maybe I’ll just stay until then and I’ll decide where I will go.”
“I want you with us Jasper. You are a part of this coven.” I felt his love and concern, but then I felt the shame set in.
“Why are you ashamed?” I knew the answer, but I wanted to know why.
“I’m sorry that we didn’t track you down. I never should have let you leave that night.”
“Why did you?” I always thought I didn’t care, but deep down I did. They were my family and I needed them.
“I have no excuse. You and Alice were fighting after you tried to attack Bella and then you stormed out. I thought you would come back in a few days, but then Alice saw you in Texas, so I decided to let you come back when you were ready.” He shook his head. “I was wrong. I should have gone after you and then maybe…”
I cut him off. “This is not your fault. I would have stayed in Texas either way.”
“Jasper, I don’t believe that’s what you wanted because you wouldn’t have been able to switch back to my way of life so quickly if human blood was really what you wanted.”
It wasn’t the human blood I was after; it was Bella. “It’s in the past now, and I’d like to stay here.”
“This is your home and you will always be welcomed here, but you can not instigate Edward.”
“He isn’t going to turn her, is he?”
“Is that what they’re fighting about?”
“Bella is extremely frustrated and confused. She loves him and wants to trust him, but how can she? He promises one thing, but is feeling something else. He is conflicted about ending her human life. I don’t think he can do it.”
“That’s between the two of them, but I will have a talk with him before I return to Alaska. I will make him understand that it isn’t right to make her think that she is going to become one of us if that’s not what he intends to do.”
She could still become one of us. I could do it, but would she want that? If I did it she would be spending eternity with me; there was no way I was going to make her one of us for him.
I stepped into the hot steamy shower and tried to relax myself. What was going on with me? How could I let Jasper kiss me like that and touch me in that way? He may have manipulated me into that kiss, but when he pulled away I found myself wanting more. I wanted his hands and mouth to explore my body and I wanted him to touch me in ways that no one else ever had. Stop it, Bella! This is wrong on so many levels. I had Edward and I loved him with all of my heart. I was just confused because Edward and I had a fight and Jasper was here touching me and telling me things that I wanted to hear. He treated me the way I wanted to be treated. He didn’t act like I was going to break if he kissed me too hard and he certainly wasn’t afraid of hurting me. He took what he wanted and I liked that. He was doing to me what I needed Edward to do. Shit! I was in trouble.
Jasper was no Edward. He was the complete opposite, but I had never noticed that before. He was dark and mysterious and most importantly he needed my help. I couldn’t think of him so inappropriately anymore. I already had my own vampire; and really, wasn’t one controlling, brooding vampire enough?
I stayed in the shower for a few more minutes trying to rid my body of Jasper’s scent, but he continued to dominate my thoughts. My mind kept wandering back to when he placed his lips on my heart. I wanted his mouth to move to my nipple … Stop it! This had to stop. Jasper would know what I was feeling, but I guess that wasn’t nearly as bad as Edward knowing what I was thinking. I needed to focus. I would be graduating in a few months and then Edward and I would marry and he could turn me. That’s the way we planned it and that’s what was going to happen. Jasper was a complication I didn’t need, but somehow that complication was turning into something I wanted.
I stepped out of the shower and dried off. I wrapped the towel around my body and walked back to my bedroom. I planned to go to bed early and try to clear my mind. In the morning I would go and see Edward so that we could calmly discuss our future. I jumped as I walked into my room and spotted him. He was sitting on my bed just staring at me with lust in his eyes.
“Edward, I don’t want to fight anymore.” He never entered my room when he knew I was in the shower. He always waited outside the window until I was fully dressed before he dared to come in.
I took off running to Bella’s house. I had to get over there and fix this, whatever this was, between us. I didn’t want to fight with her anymore. I reached her house and quickly scaled the wall and climbed through her window. She was in the shower, so I decided to sit on her bed instead of waiting outside like I usually did.
As I was sitting on her bed, all I could think about was how I was going to fix things with Bella. I ran my hand through my hair when I heard the shower turn off. I closed my eyes and tried to think of something to say besides I’m sorry. I knew she wanted to hear more than that and she deserved more than that.
I opened my eyes when she opened her door. I turned to look at her and she was standing there in a towel. I couldn’t take my eyes off her. She was beautiful and she was mine. I stood up and walked towards her. I stopped right in front of her and ran my hands up and down her arms.
She leaned against the door and closed her eyes, “Edward, I don’t want to fight anymore.”
I was staring at her lips, “Me either, Bella.” I leaned forward and pressed mine to hers. She tasted so good. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her closer to me and began walking backwards. I moved my lips to her neck and began trailing kisses along her neck and down to her collarbone.
I turned her and laid her down gently and moved to lie above her. I held my weight with my arms and continued to kiss her. My inner self kept repeating what Jasper said to me, ‘Are you afraid that I can give Bella what you can’t?’ I squeezed my eyes closed and forced my inner voice to shut up.
I could give her what she wanted and I would prove Jasper wrong. I rose up and held myself with one arm and hooked the other hand in her towel and pulled. The towel fell open and I let my eyes roam over her body. She was so sexy and I couldn’t believe that I never saw her like this before. I pressed my lips to her and let my free hand roam over her body.
She moaned into my mouth and that spurred me on. I continued to caress her body and kiss her. I kissed down her neck and continued my journey until I found her breasts. I looked up at her and she smiled. I licked and sucked on her nipples and she arched her back into me.
I was enjoying doing this for her, but I noticed that the only thing that kept me going was imagining Jasper doing this to her. I couldn’t let him take her from me. What if she left me for him because I couldn’t give her any kind of release? I shook my head and ran my hand down her soft, smooth, lean stomach until I found her hot, wet center waiting just for me.
I rubbed my finger over her clit and she cried out, “Edward!” I smiled against her breasts and slid my finger further into her opening. She gasped but I continued to move my finger in and out of her slowly. She trailed her hands down my chest and unbuttoned my shirt and slid it off my shoulders.
She let her hands slide further down my stomach and stopped at the button on my jeans. I kept thinking about the fact that I needed to do this or I might lose her. I closed my eyes as she unbuttoned my jeans with shaky hands. She finished with the button and slid her hand into my jeans and boxers. When her hand grasped my cock, I freaked. I jumped up and moved to the window.
She began crying so I walked back towards her. “No, Edward. Get Out!”
I took another step towards her, “Bella, please let me explain.”
She shook her head, “No, that’s it. You have rejected me for the last time. Now get out.”
Oh god, what did I do? “Bella, please, don’t do this. Let me explain, let me fix this.”
“You can’t fix this Edward. Not anymore. Now go, I don’t want to talk to you or look at you right now. You can’t come back here until you figure out just how long it’s going to be before you get over this ‘get Bella hot, shoot her down’ thing that you keep doing. When you decide that you’re not going to do this to me anymore, then I’ll talk to you.”
The tears were steadily falling and when she was finished, she pulled her towel roughly around her body and turned away from me and began sobbing loudly. I tried to walk towards her again, but I heard her mutter, “Why doesn’t he want me? What am I doing wrong?”
It broke my cold unbeating heart, “I’m sorry Bella. You didn’t do anything wrong and I do want you. All of you.” I turned and jumped out the window and took off running home. I needed to talk to Carlisle. I had to make things right with my fiancé and I had to find a way to stop getting her hot just to shoot her down.
I would not do that to her anymore and I just needed Carlisle to tell me what I needed to do. Once I spoke to him, I could go back to Bella and fix this with her and make her happy once again. I would make her happy and I would not allow Jasper to come between us. I ran up the stairs and flung open the front door.
“Carlisle, I need to speak to you.”
I heard in his thoughts, ‘I’m in my study Edward. Come on up.’ I shut the front door and ran upstairs and into his study. I closed the door behind me and went to sit in the chair in front of his desk.
He jumped out of the window and quickly disappeared into the night. I walked over to it and slammed it shut. If it was closed he would know that he wasn’t welcome to come back tonight. I didn’t understand his logic. If he loved me as much as he said he did shouldn’t he be willing to try and make love to me? Why didn’t he want me as much as I wanted him? I couldn’t take much more rejection especially from the man who claimed to love me and wanted to spend eternity with me. He wanted me to have as many human experiences as possible, but he wasn’t willing to let me have the most important one to me. I wanted to have that physical connection with him; to be able to express my love for him in the deepest way.
I collapsed onto the bed and pulled my knees up to my chest. The tears wouldn’t stop coming and I wouldn’t fight them. I would feel every bit of pain that Edward had inflicted on me and I would let it all out. And then I would start to take control of my own life. I wouldn’t let Edward do this to me anymore. He was going to have to make up his mind and stop letting me down. I would get what I wanted one way or another.
***Oh, Bella…be careful what you wish for!
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