A Reason to Exist 8 Chapter 8
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***Thanks Kathy and Carol (I apologize for my constant comma fail!)
“Bella,” Edward said, as I walked into the bedroom.
I suddenly became anxious. I needed to busy myself to hold it together, so I started making the bed. I felt his cold hands on my shoulders. He gave me a gentle squeeze.
“Love,” he whispered in my ear. “We need to talk.”
“I don't want to talk about what happened last night.”
He turned me around and sighed, “We have to.” He stared into my eyes, and I knew he desperately wanted to read my mind. For once, I wished he could, because then he would know what I had done. But, he would also know that I loved him and always would, just not the way he loved me.
He sat down on the bed and pulled me into his lap. I always felt so secure in his arms, but now I just felt guilty. I fidgeted.
“Bella,” he said. “What happened last night...”
I cut him off, “It was my fault. I confused you.”
“Don't blame yourself. You had every right to change your mind. I should have stopped when you asked me to.”
If he kept blaming himself, this was going to be so much harder. I was already coming undone. I needed Jasper. I felt my emotions starting to take over, and I wouldn't be able to get myself under control without him.
“I can't do this anymore,” he whispered. “I never should have come back from Italy.”
I should have agreed, but I found that little admission only angered me. He was doing it again. He promised he wouldn't leave until I ordered him away, but here he was, dumping me again.
“It's not that I don't love you,” he said.
He wasn't actually going there again, was he?
“I won't leave Forks again,” he assured me. “I won't take my family from you, but after what happened last night, I think it would be best if we took a break and I gave you a chance to think things over. I'm still going to be here for you, but I need the distance.”
My anger and frustration started to build. I knew that he was giving me exactly what I wanted, but he wasn't even trying to spare my feelings. I had been hiding what I had done with Jasper because I didn't want to hurt him, and here he was, doing exactly what he said he would never do again.
“We're from two different worlds,” he continued. “We're just not compatible.”
Oh, if he only knew just how compatible Jasper and I were. Maybe I should enlighten him.
“It was wrong of me to even try to keep you in this life, to think that you could handle it. How could you? You're only human and this,” he motioned between the two of us, “just isn't natural.”
He just kept talking, and I don't even think he realized that I hadn't said a word. He was speaking his mind, just as he had done that day in the forest, and he wasn't going to give me my say.
“I can take you home now,” he said.
“Are you kidding me?” I said.
“Excuse me?” He was shocked. I could see that in his expression.
“You think you can say what you have to say and send me on my way? I don't get a say?” I yelled.
“Bella,” he pushed the hair from my face, but I pulled away. “I don't want to upset you any more than I already have. You haven't been right for a couple of weeks. You're all over the place.”
“I'm not crazy!” I jumped out of his lap.
“I didn't say you were. I'm just trying to make this as easy as possible,” he said.
“Well,” I said. “At least this time you didn't leave me in the woods. Cold and alone.”
“Bella,” he said. “I don't want to hurt you, but if you think about what I'm saying, you'll see I'm right.”
“You're right and I'm wrong,” I said. “Because you are always right when it comes to us.”
“No,” he said. “I proved that last night.”
“I've tried to be everything that you needed, but it was never enough. I took you back after what you did to me. I chose you over Jake. He was there for me when you weren't, but as soon as you came back, I did everything I could to please you.”
“I know that, Bella,” he said, as he came toward me. “I love you, honestly I do, but it's not going to work.”
I backed away from him and wrapped my arms around my stomach. I couldn't breathe. Jasper! I really needed him. “Don't you think I know it's not working? It hasn't been working for months, but I tried for you. I tried because you seemed so genuine and sincere, and you seemed truly sorry for leaving me last year.”
“I am sorry,” he said.
“Shut up!” I yelled. “I didn't want to hurt your feelings. I may not have done things right. I know I made mistakes and did things that I can't take back, but your heart was important to me. Do I mean nothing to you?”
“Of course, you mean everything to me,” he said, as he tried to take my hand.
“Don't touch me! You're ending things with me again, and you're assuming I get no say. You are wrong! You need to know what I've done. You need to know that you are not in control of us. Damn you, Edward. Why?”
“Bella, you're distraught. You need to calm down,” he grabbed my arm and tried to sit me back on the bed.
“I said don't touch me!” The tears started to stream down my face.
“Bella, please don't cry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I take it all back. “
“What?” I screamed.
“I'm wrong,” he said. “We'll find a way to work it out.”
“You're staying with me out of pity, because you think I'm losing my mind. I'm perfectly sane. I know what I want!” I was hysterical now, and I knew I wasn't supposed to be doing this, but I couldn't believe he was willing to hurt me again, after I was trying to protect him. I was hurting Jasper to spare Edward, and here Edward was, throwing me away again. I was such an idiot.
“I don't think you are crazy, Bella,” he said. “I just think you are going through a difficult time.”
“And your way of helping me through this difficult time is to dump me?”
“I'm not dumping you,” he said.
“Then what the hell are you doing?”
“I was trying to help you,” he said.
“I don't need your help. You just do what you do best and leave,” I hissed. I knew this wasn't his fault. I was acting out of guilt, because I should have ended things with him before I even slept with Jasper.
“I said I wouldn't leave you and I meant it,” he said, and he looked as if he was going to cry. “You need help and I can't do it alone.”
“I don't what your help! I want ...” just before I could finish Alice and Jasper came bursting through the door. Judging from the looks on their faces, they weren't happy.
Jasper stared at me and I felt a wave of calm come over me. He had me so relaxed that I forgot what I was even doing. “Jasper, I'm sorry.”
“Bella?” Edward said, but then he looked at Alice and Jasper, and I started to panic because I knew if Alice was here, she must have had a vision about me telling Edward the truth. “What are you doing home?”
“I had a vision,” Alice said.
“I have to tell him,” I screamed out. “Let me tell him!”
“Jasper,” Alice pleaded.
Jasper walked toward me and took my arm, “I'm sorry, Bella,” Those were the last words I heard.
I took Bella by the arm and apologized for manipulating her into sleep. I scooped her up and cradled her in my arms. She was out.
“What the hell are you doing to her?” Edward said. “And what did she want to tell me?”
“She was overwhelmed and distraught. She can't handle this anymore,” I said. “Her mind is going to shut down.”
He stared at me and then at Alice. I was sure Alice was doing everything she could to block him from her thoughts. She was working just as hard as I was.
“What the hell are you two hiding?” He asked. “I can't hear anything but jumbled thoughts and nonsense.”
“Stay out of our heads,” Alice said. “And I'll explain.”
“You better start explaining,” Edward said.
“I had a vision,” Alice said. “You were ending things with Bella, but now is not the time for that.”
“Why? What have I set in motion?” He asked, and I felt his concern for Bella.
“Nothing,” Alice said. “I stopped this before it got out of hand.”
“Why didn't you just call me when you realized what I was planning? You didn't need to come home.” Edward said, but I knew that Alice needed to get here so that we could stop Bella.
“Edward,” Alice said. “She's losing her mind.”
“What?” I said. “You never told me you saw that.”
“I only told you the part of the vision you needed to know at the time. We needed to stop Edward from breaking up with Bella,” Alice said.
This was all getting too confusing. If it weren't for her stupid vision about Victoria killing Carlisle, I would tell Edward right now and then I would take Bella away, but how could I do that? What if those actions caused Carlisle to die? I was stuck in this lie until we could find Victoria.
“What about Bella?” Edward said.
“I saw Charlie commit her,” Alice said.
I suddenly felt sick, as I looked down at the love of my life. I would take her away from here, before I let them lock her away. I could manipulate her into being well. She would be well once we stopped this lie.
“No!” Edward said. “I won't let that happen.”
“Edward,” Alice said. “I know that you don't want to hurt her, but she is extremely fragile right now.”
“I was trying to help her by letting her go,” Edward said.
“I know,” Alice said. “And, I think she does need the space from you, but we have so much going on right now.”
“Victoria,” I said.
“Jasper is right,” Edward said. “What was I thinking, trying to break up with her, while all of that is going on?”
“We all have to stick together,” Alice said as she looked at me, and I felt her determination over keeping the family together. She was right; I wouldn't let anything happen to Carlisle or Bella.
“I'm going to take Bella home,” I said. “I'll stay with her until I wake her up.”
“Jasper,” Edward said. “I'm sorry to do this to you again. You seem to have to clean up the messes I make with her.”
“It's fine,” I said. “I don't want anything to happen to her either.”
I carried her down the steps, but stopped just at the bottom. “What are we doing to you?” I said, but I knew she couldn't hear me. “I swear, Bella, I'll make this right. I'll never let anything happen to you, and I'll never leave you.”
I started for the door, when I sensed Carlisle coming in.
He opened the door and saw me standing there, with Bella in my arms. I felt his anxiety. “Is she hurt?” He went to reach for her.
“No,” I said. “I put her in a deep sleep. She had an incident with Edward, and she needed my assistance.”
“Does this have to do with Alice's vision?” He asked.
“Yes,” I said. “Is that why you're home?”
“I was worried about Alice, and I couldn't focus on hunting. I needed to come back and make sure she was okay.”
“You're a good father, Carlisle,” I told him, and I knew we had to keep this lie up to protect him.
“I'm your father, too,” he reminded me.
“I know,” I felt his suspicion.
“Is there something you want to tell me?”
“Yes, Carlisle,” I said. “There is, but I can't right now.”
“Jasper,” he said. “I want to help you.”
“And, I want you to,” I said. “I promise, I will tell you everything as soon as I can.”
“I hope it's sooner rather than later,” he looked down at Bella.
Edward and Alice came into the foyer. “Carlisle?” Edward said.
“I was worried about Alice,” he said.
She ran over to him and kissed his cheek, and then quickly embraced him. I felt how scared she was over the idea of losing him. That vision of Victoria killing him hit too close to home for her.
“I missed you too, Alice,” he laughed.
“Thanks for coming after me,” she said. “But, I'm fine. I may have over reacted. I've convinced Edward to come hunting with us.”
“Really? I thought you didn't want to leave Bella,” Carlisle said, as he looked at her in my arms. Again, I felt his suspicions.
“I don't, but she needs some space,” he said. “Jasper, will you look after her?”
“Yes,” I said. “You go. I'll keep her safe and secure.”
“Jazz,” Alice said. “Since Charlie thinks she's staying here for the weekend, why don't you just take her back upstairs? It might be easier to take care of her here.”
“I guess you're right,” I said. “If she wants to go home when she wakes up, I'll take her.”
“Jasper,” Edward said. “Call me if she needs me.” I felt his remorse.
I nodded, and then they left. I ran Bella up the stairs, and to the place I had wanted her all weekend. My bed. I gently put her under the covers, and then I curled in next to her. I began stroking her hair and slowly pulling her out of her sleep.
She opened her eyes and smiled at me. “I love you,” she said, as she reached up and touched my face. I closed my eyes and took in the warmth.
“I love you, too,” I said. “I'm so sorry that this is causing you so much pain.”
She pressed her lips to mine and gently kissed me. “I want to be with you.”
“I know, Bella,” I said. “But what happened with Edward? I thought we agreed to wait to tell him.”
“We did,” she said, and I felt her embarrassment. “I was mad because he was breaking up with me again.”
“But, isn't that what you want?”
“Yes,” she said. “I know it's stupid, but I've been keeping our secret, because I didn't want to hurt him, but he had no problem hurting me.”
“Bella,” I said. “Not everyone thinks like you. Edward thought he was doing the right thing by letting you go.”
“I know, but I felt like it was another way for him to be in control, and I didn't like that.”
I pulled her closer to me. “I want him to let you go,” I said. “I need you.”
“Why did you stop us?”
“Alice had a vision, and we couldn't let you tell him. We can't split this family.”
“It doesn't matter now,” I said. “All that matters is that you are safe, and I'll keep you that way.” I wasn't about to burden her with the Carlisle vision. Her fragile state of mind wasn't going to hang on much longer. I felt that.
“I want this to be over. I feel like I have no control over things. I can't explain it, Jasper, but I feel so lost and confused. I only feel good when I'm with you.”
“Well, you have me tonight,” I said. “Edward went hunting with the others.”
“He left us alone?” I felt her shock.
“Yes,” I said. “He knows you need my gift.”
“You all know that there is something wrong with my mind, don't you?”
“There is nothing wrong with your mind that can't be fixed. You are having a hard time dealing with what's happening right now, and I know once we get it all worked out, you'll be fine. We'll be happy, Bella, I promise.”
“I'm always happy when I'm with you,” she said, as she leaned in and kissed me. I tangled my fingers in her hair and pulled her closer to me, deepening the kiss. My desire began to spike out of control and I had to rein it in, before I projected on to her.
I pulled away, “I'm sorry,” I said. “There's so much going on, and you don't need this too.”
“This is exactly what I need,” she whispered, as she ran her tongue along my bottom lip. “I need you.”
I stared into her eyes, and quickly monitored her emotions. I felt her love and need for me, overtaking any other emotion she had. Her eyes were practically pleading with me.
I pulled her back to my lips, “I love you and I'll always be here for you, darlin',” I started trailing kisses down her neck, as I unbuttoned her shirt.
She reached for the hem of my shirt, and started to lift it up over my stomach. I sat up and pulled it over my head. Her lust spiked as she stared at my chest. I smiled at her and she blushed, when she realized she had been caught.
“That's okay,” I said, as I slipped her shirt from her body. “My desire increases for you every time I take your clothes off, too.” I lowered myself back over top of her and slid her bra straps down; placing open-mouth kisses on each of her shoulders. I crawled behind her, resting my body against the headboard, and pulled her closer to my chest. I reached around and unclasped her bra, slipping it from her body. She shivered against me, as she closed her eyes and rested her head against my shoulder.
I slowly ran my hands down her stomach and to the button of her jeans. I took her ear lobe in my mouth and gently sucked on it, as I undid her jeans and lowered the zipper. “I want to touch you,” I whispered into her ear, as I slid my fingers inside her jeans. She lifted her hips off the bed, and slipped them down her legs and off her body, kicking them to the floor.
“Touch me any way you want,” she moaned. “I'm yours.”
Those words made me impossibly hard. I pressed my erection into her back, “See what you do to me?” I licked and sucked her neck, as I moved my fingers under her lacy black panties and stroked her slit.
“Jasper...” she moaned, as she arched into my hand. I loved when she made those sexy little noises.
I pushed my fingers into her center, as I gripped her inner thigh with my other hand. I began pumping in and out of her, as I allowed my thumb to concentrate on her clit. She spread her legs further apart, and started rocking into my fingers.
“Jasper... don't stop,” she screamed out, as she continued to move in rhythm with my fingers. “It feels so good...”
I had no intentions of stopping. I ran my free hand back up her stomach and to her breast. I gently squeezed it, before rubbing my thumb over her nipple. I could feel her muscles contracting, and then I felt her climax starting to build. She was lost in a wave of lust and ecstasy, and I couldn't help but be affected by it. My cock was straining against my pants, begging to break free. Why I chose to do this first, I would never know. I needed to be inside her, and soon.
I started moving my fingers at a faster pace, as I let my hips move into her, creating the friction I so desperately needed.
“I'm going to...” she screamed out her release, as she continued to push against my fingers. Her breathing was rapid and her heart was pounding out of her chest, but I could no longer wait.
I kissed the back of her neck, as I rid myself of my jeans and boxers. She pushed her back into my erection, and I let out a low growl.
She rolled over and straddled my hips. “That's the sexiest thing, when you growl like that.”
I did it again, as I grabbed her hair and pulled her lips to mine. I could feel her juices dripping onto my thigh. I ran my hand down her spine and rested it on her backside. “Bella,” I said. “I need to fuck you right now.” I didn't mean to be so vulgar, but that animalistic side was taking over, and I was having trouble controlling it. I ripped those little panties right off her body.
“So then fuck me,” she whispered, as she bit my lip. I growled again, because I knew she liked it, and then I sat up and started to roll her on her back, but she placed her hand on my shoulder and nudged me back down. “I want to do it like this.”
Fuck! She wanted to ride me. I laid flat on my back, and let her lower herself on to me. It was only the second time we were together, so she took it painfully slow. She slid down me, inch by fucking inch. It took every bit of self control, not to grab her shoulders and impale her. My eyes rolled in the back of my head, and I moaned out her name.
I gripped her hips and started to gently move her up and down, until she found a rhythm. It didn't take her long to figure things out. I opened my eyes and looked up at this beautiful girl staring back at me. The love that she felt for me was rolling off of her in massive waves. It was almost enough to make me forget what we were doing.
I said almost... Before I knew it, my own orgasm was beginning to build. Bella made me feel like a teenager. I never lost it so quickly before, but watching her ride me was an experience all in itself. She was beautiful, all caught up in her own pleasure. I could feel the nerves that she had when we first started slowly give way to a quiet confidence. It took my breath away.
I grabbed her hips and stilled her movements, as I thrust upward. She threw her head back and screamed out her release. I flipped her onto her back and moved in and out of her, as hard and as fast as her body could handle.
“Bella!” I crushed my lips against hers and released deep within her core. My body shuddered over and over again. I gently pulled out of her, rolled onto my back and pulled her onto my chest.
She was still breathing heavy, but she managed to speak. “Jasper,” she said. “I never knew that anything could feel that good.”
“I know, darlin',” I smiled into her hair. “It was amazing.”
She lazily traced circles on my chest with her fingertips. I felt her mood shift and her emotions drop.
“What is it?” I asked.
“I wish it could be like this all the time,” she sighed.
“It will be,” I said, as I stroked her hair.
“I want to be able to stay with you,” she said, and I knew she was crying now. I felt her tears falling onto my chest. “I hate being away from you. Pretending we're nothing to one another.”
“Bella,” I said. “Once this is resolved, I'm taking you away from here.”
“Where will we go?”
“Anywhere you want to go,” I said. “Wherever you want to go to college, that's where we will go.”
“Won't you miss the Cullens?” She asked.
“Yes,” I couldn't lie. “I will, very much, but for now, it has to be this way. We can't expect to stay here. We're hurting Alice, and Edward will never accept us. I know the others will eventually come around, but for now, it has to be this way. Will you come with me?”
She propped herself up on her arms, and stared into my eyes. I felt that unconditional love. “I would go anywhere with you. It doesn't matter where, as long as we're together.” She pressed her lips to mine and gently kissed me. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her close. She shivered.
“You're cold,” I said.
“I'm okay,” she said, but her teeth were practically chattering.
I pulled her out of the bed and carried her to my bathroom.
“Where are we going?” She asked.
“I'm going to draw you a warm bath,” I said.
She wrapped her arms around my neck, and began placing soft kisses on my cheeks and lips. “Will you join me?”
“How else will I wash your back?”
I felt her desire spike.
I laughed as I shook my head at my insatiable girl.
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