A Reason to Exist Chapter 12




***Thanks for all of your reviews/comments. If I missed getting back to you, I'm sorry, but I thought you might like the chapter instead.

***Thanks beta girls!

EPOV

We got Bella back home and Carlisle treated her injuries. I wanted to stay inside the house with them, but Bella's mind was overwhelming me. Her thoughts were scattered and frightened. She knew where she was, but she was so afraid that we were going to send her away. I knew that was my fault. When I left her, she completely broke down and I saw what I had done to her through Jacob and Charlie's thoughts, but that was nothing compared to experiencing it through Bella's mind.

I left her alone and afraid. She depended on me and the love I had for her. I told her countless times how I couldn't live without her, and then I pulled the rug out from under her when I walked away. I could hear it in her thoughts now. No matter how hard she tried to come back from my betrayal, she couldn't. Once we returned from Italy, she tried to rekindle what we had. She forgave me, but her love for me was never the same. I knew that on some level, but I didn't want to admit it. I thought once she graduated and she started college, and I moved her away from Forks, it would be different. I could make her feel for me what we once shared. She needed me, and I continued to push her away. I pushed her right into Jasper's arms.

As far gone as her mind was, she knew what she wanted. Her thoughts of Jasper were the only thing keeping her coherent. She was determined to keep him with her. I think that she knew that he could get her out of this, and that was what she was counting on.

They handled it wrong. Jasper betrayed Alice, and went to Bella while she was weak. They lied to me for weeks, but even if Bella would have told me the truth, I wouldn't have believed her. No, it took me getting into her thoughts to finally hear how she really felt. I wasn't her mate.

Carlisle came outside and sat next to me on the steps of the porch.

I looked at him, and he knew what I wanted to ask without me saying it. Even without my gift, Carlisle always knew. It didn't really surprise me that he picked up on what Jasper and Bella were doing.

“Bella has a mild concussion and a bruised shoulder. She's very lucky, but then again, she's always very lucky.”

I laughed. “Is she?”

“Edward,” he said. “Bella chose this life. It's her will that keeps her here, and we can't fight it.”

“Look what it did to her,” I said. “Look what I did to her.”

“You tried to protect her,” he said. “But, now you have to accept that she doesn't want to be sheltered from our kind.” I read through his thoughts that he would still turn her if she asked him to. I couldn't agree with that.

“And just give her to Jasper?” I asked, knowing the answer.

“That's not your choice either,” he said. “I know that hurts; and I'm not happy with how Jasper, Bella and, Alice handled the situation. We don't keep secrets around here, we never have, and their secrets have consequences.”

“Bella's paying the price for that secret,” I said.

“We all are,” he said. “None of us want to see Bella like this.”

“Can her mind recover from this?” I asked.

“I hope so, Edward,” he whispered. “I'm hoping that she has just been traumatized, and she needs some time to heal. It might help, now that she knows that you know about her and Jasper. I'm not saying you have to forgive them, but it might help Bella if she saw that you were dealing with all of this.”

“I don't know if I can do that,” I admitted. “I know I made mistakes, but it still hurts. I do love her.”

“I know you do,” he said. “But, you'll have to find a way to love her from a distance.”

“Why do you suppose I can hear her thoughts?”

“The mind is a strange thing,” he smiled. “I think that whatever Bella has that keeps you out, is now being overpowered. She doesn't have control over her mind right now. She's fragile and weak at the moment, so whatever blocks you isn't working. She doesn't have the energy to maintain that part of her mind.”

“I've always wanted to read her thoughts,” I laughed at the irony.

“But now?” Carlisle asked.

“I can see what I did to her, I see where I went wrong, and I see how she ended up with Jasper.”

“Well,” Carlisle said. “Maybe this was exactly the right time for you to get inside her head. You needed to see what she was never going to be able to tell you. She doesn't want to hurt you.”

“But,” I said. “I always hurt her.”

“Not intentionally,” he said. “I just don't think you know what to do with her. From the first time you met her, you've wanted to protect her.”

“I wanted to kill her,” I reminded him.

“But, you didn't,” he said. “You went to Alaska to avoid her, and when you came back, you wanted to get to know her. You pushed her from the path of that van, saved her from those vile men in Port Angeles, and sucked the venom from her when James bit her. And, you left her to protect her.”

“She ended up with the very person I was trying to protect her from,” I said.

“What does that tell you?” He asked.

“That I can't control destiny. If I had never left her in the first place, then maybe things would be different.”

“We'll never know that,” Carlisle said. “But, Jasper can help Bella now, and we have to let him.”

“His gift may be the only thing that brings her back,” I said.

“Yes,” Carlisle said. “Now I just have to figure out a way to convince the chief to let her stay with us.”

“He already hates me,” I said. “And when he sees that she has been injured, well, I don't know.”

“We're going to have to find a way,” he said. “Because if he takes her home in her present state of mind, she will freak out from being separated from Jasper, and he will commit her.”

“Alice?” I asked, but before Carlisle could answer, Alice came out and answered for him.

“Her being committed was one of my initial visions, but unfortunately that one seems to stick. If Bella leaves here with Charlie, she'll never get better. You'll never leave her side.”

“So what? Jasper and I sit with her and she never comes back to us?”

“I said that you never leave her side. Jasper will blame himself for what has happened, and he will go back to Peter and Char, in every sense of the word.”

“No,” Carlisle said, and I could hear how disappointed he was that Jasper would give up on our lifestyle. “I will find a way to make Charlie understand.”

Rose, Esme, and Emmett came out to join us, and I could tell from their thoughts that they needed to get away from Bella, too. Her pain was too much for all of them, and they couldn't hear it like I could, or feel it like Jasper did. They were all going for a hunt and giving Jasper some time alone with Bella.

“Edward,” Carlisle said. “Since I know you have read our thoughts, will you be joining us this evening? I think that would be best, given the circumstances.”

“Yes,” I said. “I think you're right.” I knew I couldn't stay here tonight. I didn't want to hear Bella's disturbed thoughts any longer.

“Cool,” Emmett said, as he patted me on the back. “Let's go get you a mountain lion.”

“Thanks,” I smiled. “I could use one.”

Esme took my hand and smiled. I'm sorry Edward. I know you're hurting, and not just because Bella is with Jasper. I know you're genuinely hurting for what she is going through.

“I am,” I said. “I don't want this for her.”

“Let's give it some time,” Carlisle said. “It will work out.”

JPOV

Bella and I were curled up in my bed. The circumstances were so much different than the last time when she shared my bed with me. She was in my lap, with her head against my chest and her fingers were wrapped so tight around my shirt, that I was afraid she would get a cramp. She slept occasionally, and Carlisle said that was fine, as long as I woke her up every two hours to make sure she was okay.

Her emotions were so lost and desperate. She was all over the place. One minute she was scared and distraught, and the next she was sending me waves of love and appreciation. I was frightened for her. I knew that she was far from getting better, and I didn't know how I was going to bring her back from this. I had been keeping her in a constant state of mood manipulation for weeks, and it didn't seem to be helping.

I gently shook her and pulled her from her sleep. “Darlin',” I whispered, as I pressed my lips to her forehead. “It's time to wake up.” She settled deeper into my chest, but she still didn't release her hold on me. “Come on, my beautiful girl, open those eyes for me.”

She slowly opened them and smiled at me. “You're still here.”

“Bella,” I said. “I'm not going anywhere. I promise that I'll never leave you.”

“My head hurts,” she said. “And, my hair is sticky.”

I laughed, because she had no idea how painful it was for me to hold her this close while we were still drenched in her blood. “Would you like to take a shower?”

“You'll come with me?” she asked, as she bit her bottom lip.

“Bella?”

“I can't be without you, and you're covered in blood too,” she said, and I felt a tinge of lust coming from her. Oh, that turned me on, but that was wrong. She was in no frame of mind to be thinking about doing anything remotely sexy with me. If we were going to take a shower together, it was going to be out of necessity. Yeah, I could keep telling myself that.

“My throat is burning,” I said. “But, I would never hurt you, so if you're not up to getting showered and changed, I'll be fine.”

“No,” she said. “I'd like to get out of these clothes, and try to wash the blood out of my hair. Will you help me?”

“Of course,” I said, as I carried her to the bathroom. Alice must have seen what we were about to do, because there was a change of clothes for both of us on the bathroom counter. That was just weird.

I sat her on the counter and then turned to put the water on, so that it could heat up. I moved back to her and started to unbutton her shirt. I never took my eyes away from hers. I felt how much she loved me, and it made it all the more sobering that I almost lost her today. I would never let that happen again.

I slipped the shirt from her shoulder and she winced. “Sorry,” I said, and should have realized that taking her shirt off would hurt her bruised shoulder. I gently slipped it off of her arms and dropped it to the floor. She reached for the buttons of my shirt and slowly worked her way down.

“Bella,” I said. “I wasn't actually going to take a shower with you.”

She slid off the counter and wrapped her arms around my waist. “After what happened today, I can't be away from you. I thought I was going to die, and I wasn't going to get a chance to be with you again.” She started to cry, and it broke my dead heart to see the tears pouring down her cheeks. “Please,” she cried.

“Shh,” I said, as I wiped her tears away with my lips. Even they tasted sweet to me. “I'll do whatever you want.” I removed my shirt and then reached around her back and unclasped her bra, and pushed it from her body. I took her perfect breasts in and fought the urge to run my tongue along her nipples, so instead I ran my finger between her breasts and down her stomach, to the button on her jeans. My own desire peaked, but I knew that I had to stay focused, as I lowered her zipper and knelt down before her to remove her jeans and panties. She gripped my shoulders as she stepped out of them.

The scent of her arousal immediately hit me, as I pressed my face against her stomach and spoke, “I have to get you in the shower now. Are you feeling stable enough to stand in there?”

She nodded, as she ran her fingers through my loose curls. I slithered back up her naked body, never taking my hands off of her. I pressed my lips against hers and slowly deepened the kiss. She had to know how much I needed her. She moaned against my mouth, as she unbuckled my belt and unbuttoned my jeans. Her hand brushed against the very prominent bulge I was sporting, as she lowered the zipper.

I pushed my pants down and stepped out of them, as I took her hand and led her into the shower. I left the door slightly ajar, so that I didn't become too overwhelmed, as the hot water and steam intensified the scent of her blood. I knew I could never hurt her, but why risk losing control? I knew what I was and what I was capable of.

I positioned her directly under the spray, facing me. I had to wash her hair first, but I knew the shampoo would probably sting the cut on her head, so I opted to rinse and gently run my fingers through her hair, massaging her scalp. She closed her eyes and leaned her head under the stream of the water. I felt how much she was enjoying this. She was so calm and her muscles were starting to relax. I played a small part in manipulating her emotions, but the heat of the shower and my hands massaging her scalp created most of the effect.

I reached for the body wash, poured some in my hands and slowly ran them over her shoulders and neck, washing away any traces of blood. I ghosted my fingers over her breasts and continued downward, but she grabbed my hands and placed them back over her breasts. I moved my hands over them, allowing the soap to lather her body. I slipped one hand down her stomach and slowly moved it over to her hip, resting it there. She stepped closer to me, causing her thigh to brush up against my very erect cock. The contact was almost painful, and my body was screaming for release.

She reached over and grabbed the body wash from the shelf, and poured a generous amount into her hands. She rubbed it over my chest and shoulders, as she leaned into my ear. “You're so perfect,” she whispered, and the warmth of her breath caused me to shiver. “Your body is amazing.” She ran her hand down my abs as she kissed my neck. I could feel how much she wanted me, as I closed my eyes and got lost in Bella. She trailed her hand down my stomach and took me in her tiny hand.

I let out a low growl, but placed my hand over top of hers and stilled her movement. “Bella,” I said. “I may have projected onto you, and given your current state of mind, I don't think we can do this.”

She worked her lips back up to mine and softly kissed me. “I need to feel you,” she said. “We need to be one.”

I fiercely kissed her back, knowing this was wrong, but I couldn't remember why it was wrong. She ran her thumb over my tip, swirling the moisture that had gathered there, and then her arousal increased.

I continued to kiss her, as I gripped her hips and pulled her closer to me, causing my cock to graze her entrance. “We have to stop,” I said. “Carlisle will kill me if I take this any further, and I'm sure Emmett and Edward will help.”

“Carlisle knows I need you,” she whispered. “Don't deny me Jasper. Please, I don't think I could handle your rejection.”

Why did she have to say please?

I groaned because I knew I could never deny her anything.

“Please, Jasper,” she said. “I know if I feel you, I'll be fine.”

I took her face in my hands and stared into her eyes, as I monitored her emotions very carefully. She seemed to know what she wanted. Me. Actually, her mind was more stable in this moment, than it had been in weeks. She was sure.

I crushed my lips against her, as she continued to pump me in her hand. “Bella...” I moaned. “That feels so fucking good.” She licked my neck, moving her way down to my shoulder and then she bit me and hard, too. She actually bit me. It was kind of hot.

I turned her away from the spray and backed her up against the wall, “Now I'll have to bite you back.” I growled.

“That's what I'm hoping for,” she whispered.

I lifted her up and pressed her back against the wall, as she wrapped her legs around my hips. “No way, my sweet, there are too many things I still need to do to this human body.” I reached down and thrust my finger inside her. She was always so ready for me. So responsive to my touch.

“Oh, Jasper,” she moaned. “I want you to do everything to me. I want you to teach me.”

“Be careful what you wish for,” I said, as I lifted her left hand above her head and held it against the wall. She slipped her free hand in between us, and slowly pushed me inside of her. We let out a collective gasp of pleasure, as our bodies became one. There could never be a better feeling for me. As long as I existed, there would never be another. If Bella decided that she didn't want me tomorrow, I would never be with anyone else. How could I possibly? Nothing could compare to her.

She started to rock her hips into me, indicating she wanted more of me.

“Tell me what you want,” I said.

“You,” she moaned.

I shook my head, “What do you want me to do to you?” I knew she didn't have any sexual experience, but I wanted to teach her how to drop her inhibitions and heighten her pleasure. I knew she was capable of it, I could feel it.

“I...” I felt her embarrassment starting to build in.

“No,” I said, as I replaced her embarrassment with the lust I was feeling. I knew how I wanted to take her, but she needed to tell me. “Tell me, or I'll stop.”

“No,” she moaned out in frustration. “I want you to go as deep as you can, and take me slow.”

“Good girl,” I said, as I pushed in as far as her body would allow and then I started giving her slow, deliberate thrusts, pulling all the way out each time and forcefully entering her, over and over again.

“Do you see how much I need you, Bella?”

“Yes,” she cried out. “As much as I need you. God, don't stop...”

“Never,” I whispered, but I wanted to tell her that she needed to come back to me. I needed her with me always.

“Jasper,” she moaned. “You're making me...uh...I'm...” she was so overcome with what we were doing she couldn't even tell me she was going to cum.

“I know, darlin',” I encouraged. “Let go for me, let me hear you.”

She screamed out her release louder than I had ever heard her, as it vibrated and echoed off the tiled walls. I couldn't hold on much longer. “Hold on to me,” I said, as I picked up the pace and began slamming into her at a harder rate. “Oh, baby, I'm so close. It's you that does this to me.” Before I knew it, I was spilling into her as I buried my head in her neck, wishing we could go again. I knew she was exhausted and cold now.

I gently set her down and held her by the waist. “Can you stand?”

“I don't think so,” she smiled, as her legs shook from underneath her.

I wrapped my arm around her body and guided her under the shower one last time, washing away what we had just shared. I lifted her up and out of the shower, and then leaned her against the counter. I grabbed a towel and wrapped it around my waist, and then I tended to Bella. I gently dried her off and quickly dressed her. She stared at me as I dressed myself, but I felt her emotions begin to shift. She was slipping back inside her head.

I pulled her into my arms and sent her a dose of calm. “Stay with me Bella,” I pleaded.

“I'll try,” she said. “But, I'm really tired now.”

I scooped her up and carried her to the bed. I pushed myself against the headboard and moved her back against my chest. I pulled the comforter over her body. She shifted so that she could rest her head on my shoulder and grip my shirt again.

“You don't have to do this,” I placed my hand over hers. “I'm not going anywhere.”

“It helps keep me secure,” she said, as her eyes began to flutter. Just as she was about to drift off, she whispered, “Don't let them send me away.”

I ran my fingers through my hair and sighed. How was I going to save her from her own mind?

***That's a good question, Jasper. I hope I have the answer. Lol

***Please remember to enter the Show Us Your Dark Side Contest. Details are on my profile page. The community is in serious need of some Darkmett and Darkisle, but of course we'll take Darkward and Darksper, and any other Twilight man you can dirty up!



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